I'M SORRY

My divorce from my first husband was a difficult one. Difficult in the sense there was a young child involved. Jason was just one and a half when it all happened and has grown into a wonderful young man, now starting to make decisions of his own. One such decision in the past couple of days was to move out from his Dad and Step-Mum and go stay with my Mum, his Nan. It was under argumentative circumstances, I think had been brewing for some time. Here I am, no-where close by feeling helpless and perhaps guilty once more. Our initial child rearing arrangements between his father and myself worked wonderfully for some time until I had more children with my now husband and I had to make a tough decision to move in the direction with my new family and also do what was best for Jason which was for him to live more permanently with his Dad therefore spending less time with us. As a Mother this is a difficult thing to do. You love your children so much and only ever want what is best for them but at the same time you pine for your own loss. I'm actually feeling for his Dad now too. Does he choose his wife or his son, his only child? The uneasiness is between Jason and the Step-Mum; a personality clash of some kind. And adding teenage male hormones to the mix probably isn't helping. I desperately want to wrap Jason up in my arms, take away any pain and confusion, say I'm sorry for doing this to you. Growing up from a broken home is fuckity-fuck-fucked. Part of the reason I was fucked up. But I will not go back there. That was then, this is now. I can only do what I can from afar. It is times like these that I really appreciate my Mum and all that she does for me. I could go on forever this morning but I'll stop here for now. There's a brand new day in Paradise waiting for me.